#outnumbered

Hey parents of 3 (or more), I need some tips.  How does going from 2-3 kids seem like it triples the laundry, dirt on the hardwood, toothpaste in the sink, and urine on the back of the toilet?  Brian and I are outnumbered.  We can not just split anymore, taking each child to their sport, school function, or playdate; sacrifices will be made and commitments may not be 100%.  We already have to be intentional, on a rotating basis, for fairness.  I have to say, we have an amazing village though: parents, siblings, and friends have already been our heroes, as well as our kids biggest supporters!

Going from 2-3 kiddos has also brought our awareness to and seems to triple the little things:  awareness of kindness, support, and patience.  It has tripled the sensitivity of our worrier

*little man insisting on doing homework with his big bro

 

and tripled the leadership of our free-spirited child.

We are in the midst of state testing for *C$, travel for dad, and all things play-date, sports, and friends for our busy *minion.  We are thankful for coaches and teachers.  It truly does take a village.  I am reminded that we are all busy, do something for someone even if you don’t have time for it, accept help from someone, and “bother people. brave it.” ~@jennieallen- Instagram

“it’s not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters”

*Little man is taking it all in.  He is adjusting, loving, and learning.  He is so happy and he puts life into perspective.

Please leave a comment if you have a parenting tip for being #outnumbered.

move-in day

What a great day! All love, and only tears once due to a kick ball to the head. 🙂 Thank you for the texts and messages showing your support of our new son! Brian made it back from Dallas, early! And our foster fam friends are da bomb!

We started the day packing the cars (well, moms packed, while kids jumped on the trampoline). Then we headed to *little man’s lunch choice, Longhorn, dessert at Menchie’s, and home for a surprise welcome from a best friend and her crew. She also made our bio boys feel so excited with matching UGA hoodies and personalized blankets!

We unloaded both cars, with lots of “new” stuff to find a spot for. We are so grateful for sweet neighbors that handed down the sports décor for *little man’s new room too!

The big kids passed off big sibling responsibility- literally!

As our “friend-fam” left, the bros headed to get neighbor friends to play,

team Nerf war first, then a huge kickball game. This was followed by team Minecrafting. It was the best unplanned (non-*little man focused) party we could have asked for. Dad made it home for dinner, so our first family dinner is in the books! Great night to watch the Braves play the Rockies and listen to the boys discuss their racing game. Let’s hope everyone sleeps well. 😉

perfect timing

The “transition plan” is over.  The pre-adoption papers are signed.

*scroll down for the cliff notes on our adoption update*  =)

As humans, we try to control everything.  In this day and age perfecting a family schedule is an art.  In addition to scheduling, responses to communication is expected through email, text, prayer, FB messenger, phone call, etc., and expected in a short amount of time.  It is so easy to let our events and forms of communication control our day, or become overwhelmed by all of this.

As adults, we make excuses, “I’m too old,” “too busy,” “too tired,” “too stressed,” “it’s Monday,” “I can’t,” etc.  We want to control the timing all things occur, desperately trying to stay organized and responsive.

~~~

Children make excuses too, but adults are so good at working them through those insecurities.  Children also have a desire to control, but this is where we, as adults, often miss an important opportunity: our job as adults/parents should be to take that overwhelming desire and let them know we are in control.  (Control has a negative connotation, such as yelling, punishing, or disciplining, but that is not the control I’m referring to.)  All kids, and particularly kids of trauma, need to know an adult is in control and they don’t have to be.  It can be a long process to even “untrain” an average kiddo, I see it in the classroom all the time.  They need to trust, feel safe, and don’t need to feel the stress that many adults place on children.

As adults, we also have a desire to control our child’s communication.  We want them to respond to adults in a certain way, be excited to see people we care about and express it, change their tone of voice, eye-contact, body language, the list is exhausting just thinking about it.  It comes down to modeling.  Adults have a huge task ahead of us as technology is quickly changing verbal and face-to-face communication.  We must be so intentional about conversational communication, modeling, and discussing those conversations that won’t shame in front of the adults that are speaking to our kids.

~~~

I remember having a conversation with Brian, about having our 2nd child, asking him, is it really the right time?  Do we have enough money, energy, and time for this change?  The answer was no, but it was still perfect timing.  We wanted to control when it was “the right time.”  We didn’t realize, that we just needed to be at peace with the timing.

There is a plan for all of us.  The timing of *little man’s move-in, is perfect.  Do we have the energy and time for this change, at times, we still may say no to this question.  Brian had a meeting that he had to prepare for outside of work, he had to fly out of town, it’s the end of Spring Break, it’s 7 months after we finished all of our training/home visits/paperwork, but still…it’s perfect timing.  We were not always very patient since the timing was out of our control.  We have learned to pray for that peace.  Our communication will be in due time, and not very responsive.  =)  While we know the intentions are great, please don’t ask how it is going in front of the kids.  It makes me think of this quote I recently read, “No for now, not for always.” -Sandra Stanley

*Tomorrow, April 6th is “move-in” day!  The timing is perfect!*  Follow @fosteringmoorelove on Instagram for a few recent pictures.  I am sure there will be a lot more tomorrow.

 

staffing meeting

Brian and I met with several important “decision makers” on Wednesday, which was awkward, just as I thought it would be.  We had to go over everything we felt we already knew, plus: medical history, family history, routines, school, and foster care.  I know DFCS workers must hear and deal with the unimaginable, and am thankful for those that care about their cases.  I appreciate that they cared what *little man’s foster parents had to say, and am so thankful that he is in a loving home, and that they also attended the meeting.  I feel as though they really are part of The Moore family.

We also already have a transition plan!  We are shocked and excited to announce that *little man’s transition begins next weekend!  This is our last weekend as a family of 4.  We brought *Minion and *C$ to get ice cream and tell them the exciting news that they will have another permanent playmate and brother.  Their reaction was sweet.

Cheers!

*Little man will be at our house the next two weekends and part of Spring Break.  He will move in on April 6th.  We will be intentional about our time together.  We will be slow to introduce him.  He needs to understand who his people are, and we are so thankful for our people, which will become his people.  He will be grieving the loss of an amazing foster family, whom he calls mom and dad at times.

We have an amazing network and are so thankful.  He has 3 sets of parents that love him, and we plan to include these family members in his near future.  I don’t even know how many loving grandparents, aunts, and uncles this sweet boys has.  What a lucky kid.  I just hope we can help him see how lucky he is.  We are lucky to have him!  Happy Lucky Day!  (or St. Patty’s as most call it).

respite care

We just spent a week together as approved respite care for *little man. I’m trying to find an easy way to answer the question, ‘how was your week?’

Our week was amazing,

Our week was exhausting,

Our week was joyful,

Our week was trying to understand,

Our week was bonding,

Our week was a success!

There is no way to easily answer this question. Thanks again for your sweetness and perfectly subtle and silent support!

approved again

So much has happened in two weeks!  It is crazy that we went so long without hearing anything, after numerous requests, and numerous people involved in trying to get some response or approval.

Here are the updates in order:

1. His DFCS/court panel was canceled due to the crazy Georgia snow a few weeks ago.
2. We were assigned a Cherokee County case manager to help us along!
3. We were waiting an approval for 2 months to hear if we could be his respite care (aka. over-certified babysitters).  We were approved and have *little man a whole week!
4. His county finally sent over a release to *little man’s therapist, so she was able to squeeze us in this week.  Brian and I met with her for over an hour.
5. His county panel was rescheduled and his caseworker reported they were waiting on us to decide if we were going to move forward or not…hum?  (Lots of emails and phone calls/text asking when we were going to move forward wasn’t the answer to that question?)
6. Yesterday, they reached out to set up a transition meeting with everyone involved in *little man’s plan.  There is a tentative meeting the 2nd week of March.

This week will be different for all of us.  We will be a family of five until next Saturday.  We will have a small vacation Sunday and Monday, Brian will return to work Tuesday.  All the boys have appointments Tuesday, and we will be back to school Wed-Fri since our county decided to make up some of the days we had off due to weather.  We will be establishing new routines, school drop offs, pick ups, and sports practices for all 3 boys.

We are excited to introduce him as we see you out and about, but it can be overwhelming to him.  Thanks for being patient!

Firsts

There will be many firsts ahead. We won’t be able to document the first word, first steps, first other baby stuff. We will have to do some research to understand those milestones. But we do get to document that today marks the first time either county we are dealing with has reached out to us! We have a caseworker assigned to us from our county! They contacted us!

Now, the next step will be for our caseworker to touch base with *little man’s caseworker. We will be meeting our point of contact next week. She will be walking through the house quarterly, talking to our boys. And my favorite part, she will be able to answer questions.

no fair!

Today’s Georgia ice/snow day off school reminded me about this saying that siblings often recite over and over, “no fair.”  Though it can be frustrating and annoying to hear, it is a true statement.  Parenting should not be “fair” (aka, equal).

*Minion* was hit hard by a virus yesterday, slept most of the day after being checked out of school by Brian, and ate almost nothing.

Here we are waiting at the doctor’s office…poor buddy.

Thank goodness, he tested negative to the nasty flu and negative to strep.  He woke up today back to normal, not just because he woke up to snow.  Northern friends and family, it is the strangest phenomena here in Georgia; snow in the Deep South may cause more excitement than Christmas morning to a born-Southerner.  Every friend in the neighborhood is out to play and usually stays until the snow turns to mud.

 

*Minion* was somehow distracted until about 10 am, he ate well, literally did a happy dance, and no fever; so, I decided to bundle him up and would give him 20 minutes of joy in the 1 inch of snow.  After 20ish minutes, I called him in, and heard, “no fair, *C$* doesn’t have to come in?”  My response was, no.  I did explain to him why, that his body needed rest from yesterday’s virus.  Of course, I do not always have the time or energy to explain things to my kids (hence the ever popular, ‘because I said so’), but sometimes they need to understand especially when things are out of the norm, or when things have to change.  ***no fair…

We have had numerous playdates with a couple of children in foster care.  After one playdate, both of our boys “understood” this lesson of “no fair.”  This older child had become very comfortable in our home.  He doesn’t necessarily play well with others, but had made some progress with *C$* and *Minion* at the point of this particular visit.  He chose hide-and-seek.  He ended up getting “stuck” in the laundry shoot.    He was adamant that he was coming out to the bottom floor and absolutely could not get out the way he went in.  Looking back on it now, though terrified at the time, it was a game for him, a way for him to play with our little boys.  He was getting everyone involved in our attempts at “saving” him.  We all worked together add pillows, cushions, and blankets below to catch his fall.  The boys laughed when it was over (I was still sweating a little).  *Minion* said, “I wanna do that!”  Of course, I said, “no,” and followed with, “it isn’t safe, and if you choose to do it, you can’t play hide-and-seek.”  ***no fair…

Another *little man* came to our house for a playdate. Like every day, (best neighborhood ever) a friend knocked on the door and asked *C$* to go the long way to play kickball. He responded with, “no, I have *little man* over and he can’t go the long way.” Luckily, I heard this exchange, because there are things in our biological children’s life that should not change. I jumped in and said, “yes, you can go the long way, I will walk *little man* down the short way.” *Little man* responded with, “no fair, I want to go with *C$!* He was sad, but I was able to explain to him, you are not old enough, someday…I know, ***no fair…

I have found that the rules in our home change with the season of life we are experiencing as well.  Here are a few examples:

• “no, you may not bathe together”…”no fair, we used to”
• “yes, you have to wear underwear to preschool”…”no fair, you didn’t make me before”
• “no, you may not come downstairs naked and get dressed in front of the T.V.”…”no fair, none of our friends are here”
• “yes, you have to wear a cup to baseball practice”…*Minion,* “no fair…my privates are too small to get hurt”
• “no, you may not build a zip-line in our backyard without help”…*C$,* “no fair…I want to do it now”
• “no, you may not wear shorts to school, it is freezing outside”…”no fair…I can run to the car”
• “yes, you have to use a napkin”…”no fair…my sleeve does the same thing”
• “no, you may not pee off the back deck”…”no fair…the neighbors are not outside”

Of course, we don’t usually have to remind them of those rules anymore because they are older and understand why.  We decided to sit down with our boys, prior to this transition of a new family member, and asked them what they thought the most important rules of our home were.  (This was a little strange because we never made rules formal prior to now.)  Here is the list they came up with, with my interpretation to the right:

1. cannot leave the house without telling Mom or Dad (safety)
2. homework has to be done before you play (seasonal)
3. when you feel angry, go to another room, and talk about your feelings when you feel calm (self-worth)

Brian and I were pretty pumped at this list since they generated it.  And I was pumped since it included safety and self-worth!  (Brian and I nixed their suggestion of “no dessert after dinner on school nights rule,” because that is just another seasonal rule for *Minion* since it affected his healthy choices…e.v.e.r.y. night.)  It obviously hit hard with their current season of life, since they both agreed it was important.  🙂  We plan to share these top three rules with *little one* and allow him/her to add to the list.

According to two of the authors I mentioned in the post “research,” children of trauma become easily frustrated or even revert to their survival instincts of fight, flight, or freeze, with the word “no.”  Remember, in the beginning, we are working on our number one goal- our relationship.  We will be focusing on safety and self-worth.  ***Totally fair and deserving for every child…

We have prepared our boys with adding a new sibling.  “No, he/she will not have some of the same expectations as you.”  Kid level example- You will still be expected to try every vegetable we put on your plate.  New sibling- their expectation will not be equal.  They will be given equal opportunity to eat that vegetable, but will not have to stand by that seasonal house rule of “try everything.” ***no fair…

So, if you don’t hear us say, “no.”  Remember, it is not that we are just trying to avoid temper tantrums; we are treating the new sibling differently, we are bonding.  That is something that is non-negotiable.  He/she needs to feel safe and build confidence in the fact that we truly are their forever family.

research

Thank you Dr. King; I am taking advantage of this day off of work to add some more information to our blog.  Leaving this right here:

Wow!  I can’t believe the information out there.  This information and years of research is so important for my career, let alone adding another child who has been through trauma to our family.  I am lucky to have a friend who has been through adoption, to get me started on this quest for understanding.  She suggested I start with The Connected Child: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/book/ and Wounded Children Healing Homes:  https://binged.it/2Ddcgtj Both have great information for ANYONE who works with children. I have come away with things I would love to share with other teachers, and I am sure Brian and I will use these as a resource when questions arise in our home, in the future.  I have analyzed these books, along with some information from our IMPACT training course and a podcast by Confessions of an Adoptive Parent.

The four most important take-aways I have found thus far:

4.  understanding the effects on the brain (I could go on for days and will be continuing my studies)- Trauma can stop or slow brain development across any of the 5 areas:

• Cognitive, emotional, social, moral, physical
• Though a child may seem to be growing/maturing just fine, despite their past, there may be one (or more) area(s) that he/she is not able to perform at the level of peers.
• There may be specific areas of executive functioning that a child struggles with and will need all the support and understanding that he/she may not be able to function like peers in the categories of attention, working memory, self-monitoring, time and planning, and cause and effect.

3.   flexibility- Though we want our children to be successful academically (I’m such a teacher), but flexibility is key.  Before our kiddos can perform academically, there may be some character traits to work on, some life skills to teach.  Children of trauma are not able to just learn the standards.

2.  consequences-  These go hand-in-hand with #3.  Life lessons and life skills need to be learned first.  Wouldn’t it be great to have a checklist for all these and to check them off as you “teach” them and be done with it. 😉  No child functions that way and that is where patience and repetition come into play.  It seems as though kids of trauma can digress without these, no matter how much push back they give.  They need to know we adults are in charge.  Here is my list of seemingly common sense tips, but not an option for kids of trauma.

*Natural/logical consequences

• reinforcement- immediately and frequently
• don’t overreact
• private praise
• be consistent, repetitive, and predictable
• zero-tolerance for violence (verbal and non-verbal)
• shame and judgement = not an option
• limit the “no’s” – The more a child hears “no,” the more they withdrawal from my #1…see below

#1.  relationships- Be present.   I am hoping to share with my teacher friends that they may not realize how much of an impact they have on a child of trauma.  Our kids are with teachers more than they are with us.  We are choosing adoption as parents, but are hoping to have the support of our “village.”  Here are what the experts say; again, they seem like common sense, but not an option for a child of trauma.  This is our job; village, we will need your help with this after we have built trust and a bond with our child:

1. Eye to eye contact- regulates the brain
2. attach words to emotions
3. believe, validate, and discuss negative emotions
4. safety and self-worth
5. spend time with him/her, listen carefully
6. proximity

the world of COMPLEX KIDS…I’ve been in this “world” for 15 years.  I am so happy to have some information and research that brings some understanding to what I have been noticing in the classroom over and over again.  Understanding how trauma effects children will help all adults avoid the false assumption that a child is simply unmotivated or not interested in being successful.

*Again, none of these are my words, please reference the links above.  I am simply putting the information together from what I have researched thus far…so I don’t forget.

faces

I chuckle at the name of this post because my best friend growing up, and I used this word through middle school and high school over and over in numerous phrases; but, “I love your face,” has so much meaning in our life right now.

“What made you decide?”

I have tried to answer the question numerous times, but there is no “short version” (as my Dad would call it, when we were growing up) so here goes the long version:

I am excited and baffled at how many people, in these 7 short months of waiting, have told me, we have thought about “that,” we have discussed “that.”  And “that” is why my friends have not taken steps to go anywhere after their discussion to foster or adopt.

I understand there are so many unknowns with kids of trauma (hence my next post- “research”).  Once you put a face to the word “that,” heartstrings are pulled even harder.

Several faces that led us to answering the above question:  Brian and I would have started our family with adoption due to a little face that I fell in love with through tutoring.  She had missed 50+ days of kindergarten and was removed from her home for obvious reasons and more.  Brian was ready to move forward with me, though never met her.  I knew then that the idea to foster or adopt was not stopping with this little face.  Brian has a heart of gold.  He is not intimidated by the hard stuff or baggage that kids of trauma carry with them, causing many people to stop their discussion of “that.”

Other faces: I’ll never forget balling my eyes out on the shoulder of a dear friend when my first student was removed from his family, and taken from my classroom by DFCS at school.  She said to me, “Lori, he is safe now.  This is not his worst day, but the beginning of his road to a better life.”  I could see his little face (and the faces of his siblings whom I had never met) in my dreams, nightmares, and lying in bed awake, thinking about what they had gone through, in the weeks after saying goodbye to him.  There would be a several students follow him into or out of the care of DFCS, during my years teaching.  Their faces will randomly pop into my head and I wonder how they are, or if their roads of life are any easier.

Last year, our boys were old enough to understand what foster care meant so we decided to volunteer at an amazing place Goshen Valley.  We knew a boy who lived there and decided to continue volunteering and visiting him so that he could have a connection outside of the ranch.  This “face” (relationship) pushed Brian and I to attend the informational meeting held at our county last March (2016) to gather information on becoming foster parents.  We made numerous excuses as to why the upcoming IMPACT trainings, through our county DFCS, did not fit into our schedule.  Then, another face…

We have known another little friend in care for over 2 years.  He has crossed our path several times, call it fate, call it God’s plan.  We know his face, his strong, playful personality.  We know he has similar interests to our biological children, we know he wouldn’t disrupt our birth order, we know we already feel connected, and we know his little face is in desperate need of a forever family.  We have requested for this sweet boy to be transferred to our home.  We are ready to love him, understand him, and keep him…forever.

***We interrupt this blog post for a soapbox moment:  There are NO open foster homes in our county.  “Our kids” are being sent as far as South Georgia to find placement.  I do not think every family has the tools…yet…to become a foster family or adopt a child of trauma, but every family can volunteer or donate to children who are in need.  According to the U.S. department of health and human services, there are over 430,000 children in foster care.  Visit this link to find out more information on how your family can help: https://www.hhs.gov/blog/2017/05/09/empowering-caregivers-strengthening-families.html  Find a face, program, or non-profit to connect with, or due to busy schedules donate your resources.  I get it…there is always the “we have discussed ‘that’,” but once you see their little faces, you will see how much need the children in our communities have. ***End soapbox moment.***